Most Influential Books in my Life

These books have changed the trajectory of my life. I've read many other good ones and have a 2 foot stack next to the bed of "to-read", but these are the books I think back on, re-read, reflect on and have changed the way I live my life.  Yes, I mean that. Changed my life.

Influence: Science and Practice

This is a short book that's just jam backed with information.  This is a science based approach to understanding how to influence others and, most importantly, to realize when you're being influenced!  Robert Cialdini covers everything from salting tip jars to how a car dealer pushes you into a car sale.

I learned simple things to getting people to do what you ask: get them to verbally commit - or even better, in email/writing. People love to be seen as "consistent", so even if they get more information later they will stick with their original statement and even create reasons why it's the correct one.  It is great when I can catch myself doing this - but is also handy when you want people who, let's say, join a group to commit to performing a certain task.

[Aside: This is what gets politicians in trouble, in my book. They don't want to be seen as "flip-floppers" so even when they are presented with new information, they refuse to change their opinion. That's absolutely horrifying to those of us with background in science and those that know the value of data driven decision making.]

For example, this is why it is important for theater producers to make sure they get all actors to sign a form committing to the performance. Each actor has just now promised they will do the show, so it will take something extreme for most to back out of the show.  I know I've stayed in shows that I was not happy with for that very reason - well, and not wanting to get blacklisted from a theater group as well!

Having this knowledge also helps you to influence your peer group and others at work, and to protect your self from compliance professionals. This should be mandatory reading in all high schools and colleges.

This book is powerful, and when you read it, you MUST promise me you won't use it for evil.

Women Don't Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide

This book was recommended by the incomparable Valerie Aurora, who even set up a scholarship for this book, so that more women could read it and get access to it.  Before I read Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever's book on Gender and the Negotiation Divide, I had no idea of what I was missing out on by just not asking for what I wanted!

As a good student, I was used to being recognized for my efforts - I'd get an A on a test for studying hard. Very simple effort/reward dynamic.  It's different in the real world.  If you work really hard on a project, but don't tell others why you are doing it (for a raise, promotion, comp time off, recognition, etc) - you may be lucky if you get a pat on the back in the end. You've got to say, "I'm working my tail off on this project, which is not what I'm really interested in, so you can see how dedicated I am and make me the lead of the next, more interesting project."  Or, "I really want to take a few extra days off for my honeymoon. I'm willing to work a few weekends to make sure the project is done before I leave, if I could then have a few more paid days off. Does that work for you?"

I was also blissfully unaware that most men do ask for what they want and need.  This isn't small potatoes, this stuff adds up.  A small salary negotiation before you start your job can make a big difference in your salary and retirement savings just 10 years down the road.

Most surprisingly?  Most people don't say "no" when you ask for something reasonable.  Since reading this book and "Influence: Science and Practice" , I've gotten discounts on furniture, appliances, clothing, shoes and services.

I'm by no means an expert negotiator, nor am I one of those annoying pushy people we've all met. Neither Women Don't Ask nor Influence are asking you to become pushy.

I just simply ask.

People do not read your mind. You must ask. You'll be surprised what happens.

Leadership Presence

My old mentor recommended this book to me - bringing two of my favorite things together: theater and corporate leadership. Belle Linda Halpern and Kathy Lubar use years of their own personal research and their study of theater actors into what makes a good leader.

Empathy and mindfulness are two big take aways from this book. How can you lead a team if you don't have any empathy with them? If you are not self-aware, you won't see the mistakes you're making or how you are making people uncomfortable - that's where mindfulness comes into play.

The anecdotes resonated with me, and I find myself reflecting back to them often.  How can I play a character that I can't relate to?  On stage, now, I always have a back story for my character. I always find some part of me in them and vice versa. For the first time, I've been able to cry real tears on stage.   Not stage tears. Not fake tears. Real tears.

I recall rehearsing for Best Little W*****house in Texas. I was playing a character named "Shy". She had run away from home because her father molested her.  I do not share that experience, so I read about the real women who worked at the famous Chicken Ranch. I read about how molestation breaks a young child. I listened to stories on Love Line. I found the pain, the heartbreak.

Running that scene where Shy tells the madam about her father over and over again in rehearsal physically and mentally exhausted me. Even now, I am tearing up writing about this.

Shy was not a real person, but her story was based on many real women who had lived this. I put myself in her shoes and I felt it.  [Aside: I'm in no way saying I truly understand what someone in that situation feels or went through, but merely just a slice of that. A moment.]

I do this as well in the corporate world now: I listen to my team members, hear what is going on with them, I listen for vocal variations and physical cues that tell me when someone might be uncomfortable. I take all of this in before I speak, and I'm finding it's easier to find out what works and what doesn't.

Additionally, when I do presentations now at work, I am actually acting. I think about people who I like seeing their presentations, and I simply take on that role when I get up in front of people. It's amazingly effective.

Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

I once got in trouble at work for saying "no" too often as the technical lead of Solaris 10 Update 1.  For those of you who have been a technical lead of a large project, you know it's your job to say no - when appropriate. You need to maintain high quality, meet the customers needs and stay on schedule.

This was very frustrating when my upper management didn't "get it" and told me that I had an attitude problem.  I was irritated and hurt.

One week, the program manager for one of the projects trying to integrate into my gate complained to my upper management about how unhelpful I was and how I didn't have good reasons for my "no".  That same week, the engineers and managers on that same team brought me a literal mountain of chocolate to thank me for my patience and helping them to understand why they weren't ready and helping them get to the place they needed to be. A little behind schedule, but with the necessary quality we demand. Of course, they didn't go and compliment to my upper management.

So, I had to take this class. Being the good student I referenced earlier, I bought the book in advance and started reading it.

Wow.

Okay, so I had every right to say "no" to some projects, but how I said it and how I listened - boy, that makes a big difference.

The biggest takeaway from this book, that I still use every day, is that humans use shortcuts. We have to. We're too busy. Part of that shortcutting is to tell stories to fill in the gaps of something you hear from someone or something you see.

For example, I might see a man hold a woman's arm and my brain fills it in with the story that they are dating, but really she may have just slipped and he was helping to stabilize her or she is blind. My story is wrong, but quick.

When someone comes to me with a demand at work, I could say that they are doing it because they are an asshole who doesn't understand the process and is trying to get someone else to do their job.  Or I could tell the story that they are overworked because their boss is out on emergency medical leave and they are suddenly on multiple projects, so they are seeking help.
Neither of those might be true, but being aware that each person has a motivation for their actions, and it's rarely "because I want to be an asshole" has again helped me to live for a moment in someone else's shoes.

Another great thing I learned was how to know when my brain was taking other shortcuts that weren't going to be good.  That is, when is the lizard brain kicking in?  For me, I get tense and get butterflies in my stomach.  Now when I feel this, I realize my "fight or flight" instinct is kicking in and that I need to be careful not to raise my voice, take a deep breath, and tell alternate stories for the others - or, heck, just ask them, "what are you trying to accomplish?"

Atlas Shrugged

Whether you love or hate Ayn Rand's Objectivist philosophy or the woman herself, you have to admit she had a novel way of presenting philosophical ideas to the masses.  An ex of mine told me he thought I'd like the book. I couldn't put it down (okay, I always skip most of John Galt's ridiculous 60 page speech), but this book changed the way I read fiction, opened my eyes to a philosophy that seemed to have great promise in impacting the way we all lived.  I joined the Objectivist club on campus at Purdue, met many intelligent people and had great in depth discussions on Ayn Rand's philosophy.  I never agreed with everything she said, and I must say I am greatly disappointed at people who have taken this philosophy to the extreme to the detriment of others.  I am disgusted by what has happened when classically public run things like prisons are privatized (for example, in AZ the private companies running the prisons lobbied for MORE laws so that they could get more prisoners and make more money).

But, beyond all of that, this book opened my eyes to a  new way of thinking. A place where rational thought and logic were supreme and had merit. Showed me that I could apply logic to making decisions about my life. I did not merely need to let things happen to me, but could control what was around me.  I didn't need to stay friends with someone, if the friendship was toxic, just because it was the "nice thing to do". I didn't need to work myself to the bone for someone else for no reward.

Yes, Rand's characters are very black and white, and the movie was just awful, but as a young college woman, these new ideas changed my life.


What books have changed your life? Thoughts about any of mine?

GHC: Workshop: Building Your Brand as a Technical Expert or Leader

I love Jo Miller. She has an excellent grasp of personal brand. And not that cheesy brand thing you hear every one else talking about, but what do you want to be known for - what do people come to you for. Being well branded helps you to make connections and help others make connections.

Jo gave us a goal to come up with what we want our career niche to be, create a personal brand statement and figure out how make our brand visible. And this has to be something we can really use.

How does one figure out ones ideal career niche? Well, first, I should stop writing like I'm the Queen (as she's already got her niche figured out for her :-). Really, what are you passionate about, what are your skills and talents, and what does your company need/value? If you can find a place where those things intersect, you may have just found your niche!

When you know your sweet spot, it's easier to choose assignments, mentors and sponsors.

For me, I've been in my field for more than a decade. Back in the late 1990s, early 2000s, I was the firewall expert. I knew all there was to know about the complicated protocols, ins and outs of PASV FTP (passive file transfer protocol, used by browsers), and I rearchitected the SunScreen firewall NAT (Network Address Translation) component. I was nicknamed the Goddess of NAT.

But, as the years have gone on, I've become much more general - focusing on more connecting technologies, like the Oracle Solaris Cryptographic Framework. I'm not a cryptographer, but I know the basics and I know the standards. I'm a great public speaker, all the acting I've done really helps with that. I'm great at making connections and helping people to solve their problems, even if I can't solve it myself. I write good code and debug problems. I design software. I am an expert in defect tracking. Certainly those are useful skills? How do I make that a brand?

It may not be as bad as I think, as when I asked a fellow conference attendee what my brand was, she said: "security, beer and bicycling". Well, that does sum up my passions!

Jo Miller also talks about what happens if you've somehow ended up a negative brand? One example was a woman who was branded as "high maintenance". The woman was a QA manager and thought she taking care of problems. She needed to change from being the complainer, to the partner in helping people to solve their issues. Something definitely to think about. (side thought of my own: do men have to worry about this?)

Another place you can get caught is as an entry-level or mid-level type person, which makes it hard to get promoted.

While you're still in school, it's easier to create a brand - work hard and get good grades, and you're branded as a good student. But how does that work in the real world? How do you take results and get to reward and recognition? You've got to add visibility!

How can you do this? Jo Miller's first step, strangely, is work less! Huh? Well, if you're always working and never telling people about what you're doing, nobody will notice. This doesn't mean spend 95% of your time evangelizing yourself - you have to have something to evangelize after all. Just spend 5% of your time doing this.

She asks us to write a "30 second commercial" for ourselves. Mine would be, "I'm Valerie Bubb Fenwick, Principle Software Engineer in Oracle Solaris. I'm known for security, beer and ...." oh, wait. Gotta tweak that. "I"m known for security and as the bug queen. Come to me when you need help learning about security, defect tracking, or finding the right person to help you in the Oracle Solaris organization." "and, we can talk over a beer" :-)

So, that just gets us through the first two steps. Once we pull this all together, we need to have a career-planning conversation with our leaders. Yes, that includes your manager, but others in your organization. Show them your value in the thing you're interested in. And, once you do that - you need to ask for help. Just something as simple as, "Is there anyone else you think I should talk to about this?"

The fourth step sounds so simple: work hard, but on the right projects. How do you know what the right projects are? Something that aligns with your brand or where you'd like your brand to go. And deliver. If you don't deliver valuable results, no matter what else you do, you aren't going to get anywhere.

When picking the project, look for specific roles (as opposed to general), push the cutting edge in your field of expertise, executive special projects, projects that directly support your organizations strategic plan, exposes you to a new department and demonstrates higher level of technical, business or leadership skills.

Now, on to speed network!

This post syndicated from Thoughts on security, beer, theater and biking!

GHC10: Collaborative Risktaking

Getting a bunch of engineers into a giant ballroom after a wonderful lunch filled with great conversation is hard. After much wrangling, we all got at tables of 10 and Dee McCrorey started us off with a really fun video taking a look back at women in technology and famous risk taking women.

Right off the bat, we're being asked to take risks at this conference: meet (and follow-up) with 20 new people, dance, and get interviewed for the Anita Borg Institute archives (and possibly used in future ABI events).  I've been meeting lots of very interesting women and getting business cards (or connecting my super cute Poken to theirs) - but will I follow-up?  Right now I'm going to say yes... check back with me :-)

Dee started talking about how the business world has drastically changed. For the first time, there are multiple generations working together on the same projects and that is changing the workplace as ideas are quickly exchanged.  Old style companies treat their people as exploitable, let legality stifle innovation and only focus on ROI, but that type of management style will not work in this new world of business.

In order to survive in this new world, you need to innovate, collaborate, be willing to take risks, be bold, responsible and able to measure your results.

At this point, we did our group activities at our tables. We started with scoring our pre-work, a worksheet on our risk taking style.  It was a strangely scored test, and we were all, apparently, responsible risk takers. :-) We were next supposed to do a team challenge, but instead my table started working on our own personal/career time lines...oops [Side note: several of us had trouble remembering order of events, except for the very tragic or very happy - ie weddings and deaths. The time line would've been excellent pre-work.]

Dee then brought up a calculus concept: an inflection point. This concept can be applied to your own personal and career peaks and valleys - these inflection points are personal and/or organizational shifts with the power to transform our lives (for better or worse). If you don't learn how to identify when these changes are coming down the pipeline, you are at risk for making a bad decision or poor career move that you'll have to work a long time to recover from.

Our next exercise was to work on our Optimum Change Cycle worksheet, which I had a lot of trouble with. Because I couldn't remember all my peaks and valleys from over the last 3 years, my time line was incomplete so then I had a tough time with everything that built onto that.  Fortunately, our table mentor gave me tips to work around this which helped me relax and get more into the activities. Dee, and others, were all talking about their personal cycle - for example, Dee said she is on a two year cycle - she needs some sort of change, or she might start sabotaging herself or career.  I don't think I have to have change on any cycle, as I'm often quite content to "stay the course".  I mean, really, I've been at Sun (Oracle now) for 14 years, and working on the same team since 2002. [Side note: one advantage of working at a really large company is that you can change jobs without losing accrued vacation and benefits, heck, you can even change your job without changing managers!]

As I was listening to my table mates, I got to thinking - I am not change adverse and can happily role with the punches, but I don't often seek it out. Does that mean my ship doesn't have a rudder?  Or is it something much simpler than that - a few years back, I lost my biggest advocate in our organization. Thing is, I didn't even know he was advocating for me behind the scenes, helping me get interesting projects as well as promotions. It was actually more than a year after he left that I noticed something was different, and my manager explained what I had lost.  So, what can I do?  Seek a new one out? Become my own advocate? Combination of both?

All that said, Dee says we've got to build safety nets, like networks of people to help and support you in your risks (the greater the risk, the greater your network needs to be). Beware of filling your network with just birds of a feather type folks, instead you want an innovation tribe - a diverse mix of people that can give you a mix of opinions.  Doing so should allow you to make better decisions more quickly.

Make sure you share the experience with others and feedback to your network of support. This can be down with short videos, emails, blogs, etc.

Towards the end of the session, our table mentor asked about how the session impacted us and what we'd do with what we learned. My table mate, Misti, mentioned that she realized she could really benefit from a semi-annual self assessment of her career and life - to look for those inflection points and make sure she's on track with her goals. I think that's a great idea and am going to commit to doing that for myself.  A lot of being a good and responsible risk taker means being aware of what you bring to the table and supplementing what you lack with a network of support.

What did you get as a take-away from this workshop?